In the next couple of weeks, WhyGoSolo (and Tickets with a Twist) will both come offline. I’m not entirely sure when the end came…however, I do know it was before now; it just took me this long to admit it and come to terms with it.

I feel just as strongly and passionately about the concept/premise of WhyGoSolo and Tickets with a Twist as I did two years ago, but I currently don’t have the resources to pull it off; the most important resources being the money, drive and energy to revive it.  I made some attempts that all lead nowhere.

Two years ago, we were in pace with and in some respect ahead with development – now, we’re behind.  No matter what, the sites would have to come offline for a full facelift and I don’t have the developers or money for developers to revive the technology or to go mobile.

Two years ago I was in the buzz and part of creating buzz…now, I don’t really care.  I’m not done “playing” online by any stretch of the imagination, but my involvement will be different. The echo chamber got old real fast and I got hung up on things that really didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I’m coming out of the last two years with baggage: exhaustion, guilt from letting people down, knowledge of mistakes I shouldn’t have made and a mountain of debt I’m still trying to pay off. I’m also still angry at some things that happened and things that didn’t pan out.

I can’t even begin to honestly describe how shitty having to write this post about pulling the plug on a dream and vision is like.  People who don’t dream big will never know what killing a dream feels like. This is my second time doing it and it’s much worst this time. I’m thoroughly humbled and awaken compared to where I used to be.

Now that the end is here, I want to close this chapter by acknowledging and sending thanks to all the people who at some point or another got involved in WhyGoSolo, all the developers, WhyGoSolo members, bloggers, DC Tech community, Pownce crew and all others who supported me and our efforts.

Above all, I want to acknowledge and thank Darcy Laycock and Michael Busselli who both really stuck through till the end – literally till the end; they will be the ones pulling the plug and purging the databases.

I wanted success for WhyGoSolo for Darcy and Michael more than I wanted it for myself – I was not able to deliver the grand vision they joined the team to realize and that is the HARDEST part of closing the sites down.

What’s Next?!?! (Four weeks later)

I was still extremely hurt and angry at the thought and need to shut down the sites, a month ago, when I wrote the first half of this post.  I still needed more time to accept what was inevitable.  Now, I’m in a much better place. I’m finally in a place where I can take what I’ve learned and apply it to something new under Yut Media Inc.  Although,   this time I’m going to avoid fighting the uphill battles that have always kicked my ass:

1. Entering a field/area that I have no background or contacts in
2. Being heavily reliant on technology and development to get started
3. Needing investors to succeed – Success makes getting investors a much simpler process
4. Stressing myself with unrealistic expectations and pressures
5. Starting a business that I think will eventually be fun. I’m starting something that will be enjoyable and fun from day one.

I’m in a good place with my life.  I don’t remember ever being this happy or satisfied with my present and the outlooks for the future.

I’m more relaxed, balanced, in-tuned, grateful and knowledgeable/cognitive of what needs to be done to meet my dreams than ever before.  I’m not pressuring myself and I feel I have already had a huge win in my life; realizing what happiness truly is and what it means to live life.

I have a wonderful life NOW. Turns out I didn’t need to realize my dreams to have a wonderful life; it was mine to have all along.  Having a wonderful life does not take away my burning desires to realize my potential/ambitions and build an empire to call my own.  However, now I get to do it and enjoy it a lot more.

Life is a journey, it really is. Life will show you everything you need to know about yourself and the keys to happiness, inner peace and being absolutely content.

You have to grow, act and change your thinking and circumstances for life to bring you the opportunities you’re looking for.  I left DC and moved to New Orleans.  I changed the way I did many things once I arrived to New Orleans – different behaviors and actions have brought me different results and outcomes!! I’m taking that new mindset into business along with everything else I’ve learned – lets see where that will lead me.

The last time I shared my personal space with someone was back when I was stationed in 29 Palms, I was 20 years old. In the 11 years since, I’ve had a few roommates, but none that were ever in my personal place (except for The Basic School).

Yesterday I asked Aaron “how do you feel about our co-habitation?” He looked at me; a little puzzled by the question, but answered it none the less by saying “I love it.  What about you?”

I paused for just a second to smile and then said “I love it, too.”

His next comment took me a little by surprise; he asked “Do I do anything that annoys you?”

I took a longer pause before answering this question and thought about it for a few seconds. “Nope, nothing. I’m actually rather impressed by that”

After our first week together, Aaron and I have had many conversations about our habits, needs and in the process we found our rhythm. We also moved into a bigger place; we’re not in each other’s way in the kitchen anymore and we now both feel at home in our new place.

In the past, I have been extremely protective about my personal space and my independence and perhaps I was a little at first with Aaron; however, now I’m all for letting him spoil me and take care of things. It’s incredibly awesome to not have to do something because someone else has already taken care of it.

Let me say that again – it’s incredibly awesome to not have to do something because someone else has already taken care of it.  Aaron is wonderful at doing little things to make my life easier, like emptying the old coffee grinds from the coffee machine (he doesn’t drink coffee…yet, he’ll even make it for me).  He also does big things like the grocery shopping and most of the cooking (remember he has to eat every 2-3 hours so he’s always making food).

Ladies, not only does Aaron change the toilet paper roll, but he’ll take one out and put it on the counter BEFORE the other roll runs out.  The first time he did that; I just stared at the roll in awe. I came out of the bathroom and told him how much I love him.

Yesterday, I was doing more unpacking and some big boxes needed to make their way upstairs.  Normally I would have done it.  All my life I have done it…last night, Aaron, did it. I loved it. He does after all have one hell of sexy body…so it’s quite enjoyable to watch him carry heavy boxes with sweat glistening on his body.

I feel totally blessed and extremely lucky.  I love Aaron more and more each day. I remain in complete awe of him.  He is exactly the person who is the ideal match for me; for who I am and ‘my ways’. I never would have thought living with someone would be this easy and heavenly!!

Although I have talked about Aaron in my previous posts; I wanted to take the time to do some more talking about him…what can I say – he is one of my favorite topics of conversation and there are many good reasons why.

Aaron is without a doubt my other half, my soul mate. He is has driven, focused and dedicated to his passions and dreams as I am to mine. He has the smarts, wits, ambitions and enthusiasm to accomplish anything he wants. He is funny, caring, sweet, romantic, and quite open minded. He is loyal, confident and passionate. He has an amazing smile, kind heart and tough edge all wrapped into a currently 6’3”, 240 pounds gorgeous, sexy and muscular body.

I say currently when describing his body type because one of his dream is to become a professional body builder. One purpose of his trip back stateside – actually what was the main purpose until he got out of his car in New Orleans and laid his eyes on me again, was to network and grow his center of influence in the health and fitness/body building circle.

He did quite a good job at it. Prior to even arriving back stateside he was in contact with Erin Newman – Associate Editor, Weider Publication discussing his July TalkBack feature. His conversation with Erin escalated to her wanting to do more stories on him because of her interactions with him. Aaron is genuine, respectful and humble in his interactions with people.

Aaron is a big guy – a lot of people like to point that out to me; as if I hadn’t noticed…with one arm he can pretty much stroke my entire body which is quite nice and way too much info for this blog post. But, what I really want to get across is that what you might imagine him to be after looking at him in his posing trunk/under wear is a surface (almost full surface) look at a person who is extremely deep.

I’ve been misjudged many times. Most people have seen a pretty face and were later surprised by my depth…the very same is true of Aaron. Fortunately, I felt and recognized his depth when I laid eyes on him. Being his equal as allowed me to see a great deal more of him than what most people have seen. Having my equal now in my life had brought me so much relief and joy.

I not only get to be myself with Aaron but I also get to start stretching who I am again. I obviously love, respect and admire a great deal about Aaron, but above all, what gets me the most is his support, and encouragement for my own dreams and ambitions. He is 110% behind everything I want and desire. He is more than willing (and able) to be by my side so I can achieve all of them.

Women of my generation struggle quite a bit to find men who are not threaten, taken back, or turned off by the ambitious “go getters” that we are, so I know I am blessed to have found Aaron.

He gladly did the dishes, cooked dinner(s) (one meal for dinner doesn’t cut it for him), cleaned up the house, and took out the trash all last week and I have no doubt that will continue. Laying back on the couch watching TV or playing video games is as foreign to him as it is to me.

Aaron is in this relationship (soon to be marriage) to be an equal partner and to have an equal partner. He wants to be part of my dreams and make me part of his…granted being part of his dreams involves posing in a bathing suit for the world to see – nothing like a little added pressure.

You can find Aaron all over the web on various social networks because he jumped right in to learn the things I do and know about. He’s a quick learner too. We have different interests and many of the same. We have no problems learning from each other and teaching one another.

We want and desire the same things…things that most people in this world fear to desire. We’ve both been tested by more than what an average person can handle and no matter what happened to us; we decided it was better to have a positive outlook than a negative one. We both have faith, an open mind and strong beliefs in life being all that we want it to be.

Aaron is who I ask for from God to come into my life. I waited a long time for him and we both traveled our own journeys in our lives to be at the point where we are now ready to be together. Aaron made some extraordinary leaps in the last three weeks that have blown me away and have left me in awe of him. I love the fact that I’m in awe of him.

If you are out there looking for love – don’t give up on it. Be clear on who you are and what you are looking for. I won’t do so in this blog post, but I can trace every step of the way that has lead me to Aaron. All the changes, self-realizations, self-acceptance, and wake up calls I needed to get to who I am now, the person ready for a new chapter and growth spurt(s) professionally and personally to be lived with Aaron.

Last weekend was the most amazing weekend of my life but before we get into that lets back up a little. On December 12, 2008 in the blog post 21 Days Till I Know, I introduced Aaron to you and how I felt when I first met him. Than on January 9th, I wrote about my Heart Break. I didn’t write about Aaron after that but the trust is, it wasn’t over.

It took me a couple of weeks to get over the sting of what happened January 3rd/4th but I was seriously still bothered by it. I fell in love with Aaron the moment I saw him and my gut told me he was the one for me. How could my gut have been so wrong? That question started haunting me. The more I asked the question – the more my gut yelled out at me that I hadn’t been wrong.

I reached back out to Aaron in February sometime and we embarked on a friendship. We found a new freedom to be ourselves and for me to help him through our friendship. He started to let me in. The entire time I was clear with him that I still wanted a relationship with him and he was clear with me that he still wasn’t ready for a relationship.

In April I was starting to drive myself crazy going back and forth with my needs to have more from him; with my needs for him to open up more to me. We had one conversation where he angered me so much that I unleashed a lot of what I wanted to say to him. He quickly snapped back and started opening up. Around that same time he let me know that he was coming to New Orleans and bringing his mom with him.

When he arrived to NOLA on May 15th at 1240am, got of the car and gave me a hug; I saw a spark and smile in his eyes that I had expected to see back in January. I played it real cool (of course).

We got closer and closer throughout the weekend. He left New Orleans with the knowledge that we do belong together. I was blissfully happy after he left but I was clueless about how much he had finally realized. It didn’t take long though for me to find out because Aaron opened up to me and began sharing his feeling for me and with me.

I drove to Daytona Beach for Memorial weekend to be with him again…and that is when I got to experience the most amazing weekend of my life. Being with Aaron is one of the most natural, comforting, pleasant, exciting and fun time.

I grew to learn and took the time to discover exactly what I wanted in a man and specifically what I wanted my relationship to be like – being with Aaron is all of that and more. We laughed so much, opened up to each other, laughed some more, and explored who each of us is and who we are together. I also felt right at home with his family. Everything about us is completely natural. It flows perfectly.

The man I knew Aaron was when I laid eyes on him – is exactly the man he is plus more. He’s amazing, fabulous, sweet, caring, funny, genuine, intelligent, modest, easy going, intense, driven, ambitious, and passionate. He’s my equal, he holds the ability to push me, motivate me, and inspire me. Actually, he already does all of that; we do that for each other. I truly admire him. He has the capacity to achieve anything he sets his mind to do and there is much he wants to do accomplish.

He makes me feel like the luckiest, most beautiful, sexiest, cherished and appreciated woman alive. He gives me all the precious gifts of love, admiration and care I have been aching for and wanting while not undermining the strong, independent will I possess. He is not threatened by me at all. Our integrations are effortless – by that I mean the fact that we both have strong, alpha personalities – our personalities melt together and we float across the dance floor completely in step.

He sent me an email earlier this week after reading the post I wrote April 5th – Consciousness Catching up to My Unconsciousness.

What I mentioned before when we chatted this morning, it had to do with an article you wrote, “Consciousness Catching up to the Unconsciousness”. I know I’ve apologized already for what I did but I’ve felt the need to tell you again. It hurts me to know I made you feel that way. To know I did that to my soulmate, my love, my best friend – you deserve to hear another true, sincere apology.

Having you in my life now is so refreshing and exciting. You make me want to open up and find my true self, the one’s who’s been hiding for years. The best part about it all, as I do this you’ll be right there by my side seeing me experience these new things.

You are such an amazing woman and such a huge part of my life. I hope you were able to see that in my eyes and in my heart this past weekend…just how much I love you.

I love you babe, with all my heart.
Aaron

He is on his way back to New Orleans to be with me again this weekend. We went from saying our goodbyes last weekend, to finding a way to spend at least one last night together, to him coming to spend another few days with me. You could say that we don’t want to be apart from each other!!

I’ve been on cloud nine for the last three weeks. I am his, and he is mine. We’re waiting for him to get a job offer in New Orleans at which point he’ll move here with me and we’ll move in together.

Some folks have asked “Isn’t it moving kinda fast between you two?” I reply, if by kinda fast you mean my falling in love with him within the first ten minutes of knowing him than Yes, but if you mean him moving here to be with me – definitely not; I’ve been waiting over a year for that!!!

For some reason I thought the House of Blues had its start in New Orleans, but it did not. The first House of Blues was started in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

About the House of Blues (taken from the House of Blues website)

The House of Blues grew out of founder Isaac Tigrett’s love for the unique American art form known as the “the Blues”. Weaned on this music during his early childhood in Tennessee, one of Isaac’s goals was to introduce the world to the music of the rural south, including the Blues, Rhythm and Blues, Gospel, Jazz and Roots-abed Rock & Roll. The very first House of Blues opened its doors in a converted historical house in Cambridge, Massachusetts in 1992 and is home to live music, original folk art, and delta-inspired cuisine. The House of Blues is dedicated to educating and celebrating the history of Southern Culture and African American artistic contributions to music and art.

The House of Blues is without a doubt an interesting business case – established by to introduce “the music of the rural south, including the Blues, Rhythm and Blues, Gospel, Jazz and Roots-abed Rock & Roll” it had its start in the Northeast. What made Cambridge the perfect starting ground? Would the House of Blues be what it is today if it had started somewhere else?

I have not been to any other House of Blues locations, but I’m going to assume from what I’ve seen on the website that they all operate basically the same way, which makes the business simpler and easier to run. However, I do wonder if all the House of Blues venues are all ages venues. The one in New Orleans certainly is.

Financially I wonder if that’s more profitable or if the House of Blues takes a hit profit wise because of it? There’s no doubt that the crowd yesterday was mostly made up of teenagers. The acts were Jack’s Mannequin (headliner), Matt Nathanson and Erin McCarley. I hadn’t heard of any of them but those teenagers in the audience definitely had.

Teenagers are a huge consumer group – and from the lines at the products tables; they have no problems spending their allowances, parent’s money and hard earned money on products. Good for the artists but what about the House of Blues?

Because it’s an all age venue, no alcohol is sold in the music hall. Most venues make their money on the sale of alcohol…even those of years 21 and older could not bring in alcohol to the music hall purchased at the restaurant.

Tickets were $30 a person sold through Live Nation or the Box Office (note they don’t use Ticket Master…although with Ticket Master buying Live Nation if a moot point). There were 3 acts – I have no clue how much each act were paid to perform. I’m going to guest there were probably a couple hundred people in the crowd. In my head, no matter how you slice this pie; the profits can’t be much.

Since the audience was made up of mostly teenagers – it’s not like they were going to stop in the bar or restaurant to drink and eat afterwards and increase the potential of the profit margins.

I have to admit that the stage was well setup. The majority of the equipment for all three acts were all pre-staged. The transition from one act to another was rather expeditious and well executed…minimizing the need for a lot of stage hands.

I didn’t enjoy any of the acts. Wendy has seen Matt Nathanson ten times. She’s obviously a fan – he did not convert me into a fan. A few months ago I saw Lowry at a local bar in DC; I walked away with their CD in my hand. Some acts will create immediate fans while others will not.

I did get a kick out of watching the crowd/consumer group. Every time I looked down at the crowd someone was texting, taking pictures, or capturing a video. The crowd, like I said, was mostly compromised of teenagers and mostly of the female variation! I also spent the time analyzing the House of Blues operations, opportunities, functions etc. I do that everywhere I go. Observe everything, take notes…find the opportunities.

The upstairs area has a sitting area that’s corded off. Apparently that area is reserved for foundation members and donors, however; once the show started the guy running the area ran a side operation along with the bartender. Not entirely sure if this is a legit operation endorsed by the venue but the lowdown is that for the right “tip” you can find yourself sitting in the corded off area. Wendy paid a $20 tip for us to have seats. I love it – people will always find a way to make extra $$.

(Flickr 31 Dresses Experiment)

What did I come up with?? I came up with what I’m calling The 31 Dresses Experiment.

Here is the mindset going into this experiment.

I have never cared much for fashion and it’s been years since I have updated/upgraded my summer wardrobe – It wouldn’t hurt to put some effort into it.

I hate, hate, hate shopping – wonder if I can change that.

I don’t like having my picture taken and I’m bad at taking pictures – wonder if I can change that too.

When I got out of the Marine Corps in 2005 I weight about 135 – three years later I was tipping the scale at above 155. I’m 142 now and by the end of this experiment; I want to be back to 135. The pictures taken of me in the dresses will be a good way to track my progress.

I want to get back to being open online and to sharing – I need something fun and interesting to talk about. I want a reason to take pictures, blog, tweet, do videos etc. It’s easy to not care about the technology when you have no reason to leverage it.

I want to write. The ability to write is a perishable skill if not practiced.

I want to preoccupy my mind and see what comes of it. I’m looking for a lot of answers and direct thinking on problems doesn’t yield solutions for me.

Besides wanting to preoccupy my mind – I want to capture the way my mind thinks. The Bus of Opportunity concept is about sharing the entrepreneurial mindset and developing the entrepreneurial mindset. I want to show how an experiment like this will likely generate 4-6 business ideas for me.

I have a lot more energy and desire to be out and about since moving to New Orleans and I’d like to have…I don’t know…somewhat of a purpose, mission, twist, or “something” to it.

The Components of The 31 Dresses Experiment

In the next couple of months the goal is to buy, borrow, and/or acquire in some way 31 dresses which will be worn to 31 different locations. I will take pictures and blog about each dress and location.

I’ll talk about things like the buying experience; the cost, reason for buying, the way the dress makes me feel and so on. Next, I’ll get into the location where I wear the dress to…the people I meet, background on the location and interaction. Each dress will have a story with pictures. If I can get Qik to work on my BB – I’ll add videos too.

I don’t know if I’ll make it to 31 dresses…hopefully this is something that I will see from start to finish. I”ll probably  add a dress fund donation application on the sidebar at some point. As you can imagine, if I end up buying 31 dresses it will get a little expensive. If you start following this experiment and find it interesting than perhaps you’ll be inclined to help me get the next dress.

I’ll be wearing my first dress out tonight when I go to the House of Blues for the first time with my neighbor Wendy. It’s a dress that’s been in my closet for a couple of years.

]]> http://www.annbernard.net/2009/05/09/the-31-dresses-experiment/feed/ 0 http://www.annbernard.net/2009/05/01/a-chicken-who-couldn%e2%80%99t-lay-an-egg/ http://www.annbernard.net/2009/05/01/a-chicken-who-couldn%e2%80%99t-lay-an-egg/#comments Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:11:50 +0000 admin http://www.annbernard.net/?p=229 I had an idea yesterday!! A new innovative, creative and pack full of potential idea – it feels so GOOD. And by idea I mean something that is exciting, energizing, and motivating me. Something that ties-in some of my interests and for the first time, it’s a non-profit, social good type of idea. It’s a concept for New Orleans and eventually for other cities to use in order to promote opportunities in their respective city, bring people together and teach people about entrepreneurship.

I’m so relieved I was able to have an idea again; I can’t really explain the joy I feel from it. I’ve been somewhat lost these last few months…an entrepreneur that can’t come up with new amazing idea is like a chicken that can’t lay an egg – I was starting to wonder if I had it in me; if I could even call myself an entrepreneur anymore. I was thinking may be I needed to go back to school and find something “fall back on”. Crazy talk.

My Quest for Life Balance

Since moving to New Orleans my life has been very different. I mean, I moved here to have a different life; I moved with the purpose of HAVING A LIFE. When I made the move here and turned a new leaf on 2009 – I made the conscious decision to add some life balance to the mix. Yes, I actually had/have to put a conscious effort into having a life. Instead of my business being my focus these last three months – I have been the focus, love/relationship and friendships have been more important and so as health and fitness.

Per my blog post on April 17^th , I set some different goals for myself but I knew they wouldn’t be enough – I didn’t write about this but I was going a little mad. I had a mental block that was driving me crazy.

Insanity Plea

Besides getting obsessed with working out (again); I was way too obsessed with wanting to be in a relationship. My frustrations with that area of my life quite frankly had left me…feeling way too much like a woman. It left me feeling needy, confused, wondering and slightly insecure. I spent entirely too much time reading into things, questioning my behavior, my needs, wants, desires and actions.

Sorry, but a man is not a healthy thing to focus on…particularly on a man not focused on me. That was NOT me. That was my mind having nothing to focus on.

My Mojo is Back!

I’m not going to shut the door on pursuing my fitness goals and my desire for a relationship…I’m also going to maintain my relationships with my new friends, plus the going out and having fun. However, now that mojo is back it’s back to business, baby!!

My identity, sanity, and happiness are tied to my ability to go forth and do entrepreneurial endeavors – the balancing act needs to revolve around that.

As much as I’m frustrated and bothered by my current stalemate state, nothing I’m doing is getting me out of it. At the same time, I need SOMETHING to focus on because now that I’m settled in…I’m getting antsy and bored. I work from 7:30am to 4:30pm, by 5pm I’m home. I have a good 4-5 hours a night that needs to be put to good use. I have no kids, no significant other…no other responsibilities than myself. (I know that for some it’s a completely foreign concept to have that much time to yourself)

Having a lot of time to yourself is a blessing and a curse. It gives you time to think about entirely too much stuff; to include what’s missing in your life, your short comings, areas of improvement, and the big one – The Meaning of Life.

Options Of How to Spend My Time

Finding Mr. Right – Failed

I’ll admit that I joined Match.com about a week after getting to New Orleans. I figured it would be a good way to 1) meet new people and 2) potentially find Mr. Right. It turned out to be quite a waste of money and a source of frustration. Just because I have time to spare…doesn’t mean that I want to waste it. Online dating in my opinion is a huge waste of time, hence why I started WhyGoSolo in the first place. Anyway, after a few weeks of it I’ve basically given up on it.

Going Back School – Good in Theory

I really, really, really ought to look into taking some college courses. I received a Meritorious Commission in the Marine Corps…basically what that means is that I still don’t have my undergraduate degree. I have the G.I. Bill so I should put it to good use and take some classes. I haven’t committed to doing that because I believe that once I get back into the business groove being in school will get in the way and be the first thing I stop doing; therefore, why start something I know I will quit?

Volunteering – Yes, I Can

I volunteered once at the New Orleans Mission and unfortunately that left me with a bad feeling of the place. Too long a story to get into. Since one of the Marines in my office has started volunteering there regularly; I’m going to go ahead and give it another try.

I have taken the mentor course for Each One Save One and I’m waiting to hear back from them and be appointed a mentee to work with…the school year will be ending soon so I hope they get back with me before it does.

Reading and Writing – Simply Not Happening

Two of my favorite things to do are reading and writing. I want to publish a book. So why not start writing?? Same reason I can’t get back into the business – I just can’t seem to do it.

Losing Weight & Training for Triathlons and Adventure Racing – Yes, I am

When my mind doesn’t want to be pushed…I always have my body I can push. It’s exactly what I’ve taken to doing. When I’m in a rut, it seems that physically challenging myself is my only saving grace.

It boiled down to either focusing on finally doing a bodybuilding competition or training to race. Since I love training but I hate dieting – I decided that doing some races makes more sense.

I did the 10K Crescent City Classic last Saturday and I’m signed up for the 5K Run Forrest Run April 26^th and I have to take the Marine Corps physical fitness test (PFT) May 12^th. By May 12^th my goal is to have lost 5 pounds and run 7:45 minute miles (for 3 miles).

I signed up on the Gulf Coast Adventure website to find some teammates and it looks like a team has found me – meaning I’ll do my first adventure race in July in Baton Rouge. Next, I’m going to sign-up for the CajunMan Triathlon (Sprint) happening in September when the registration opens…I’ll be keeping myself busy and healthy.

My immediate goal is to improve my run time and ensure I lose at least 1 pound a week to be 140 by May 12^th.

Boredom is Setting In – Shift Will Happen

I can’t stay bored for long and I will soon need more than just pushing my physical limits…when I do, my brain will kick back in. At some point, I will learn to balance it all.

I had planned on starting 2009 in a relationship. As you know from past posts, that didn’t happen and although I moved on; I’ve discovered it’s been weighing on my subconscious quite a bit. Since I haven’t been willing to deal with it in a wakeful state; it started hunting my dreams. For the most part, I also avoided dealing with my dreams until one of the dream/nightmare had a face to it…the face of the man who broke my heart.

I’m a strong, intelligent, and confident woman. I understand people more than I should and I have a distinct ability to get people to open up to me which allows me to know their vulnerabilities. I uncover things about people but very rarely show my vulnerabilities. I quickly become a confidante, supporter and “cheerleader” for people…especially men.

It took a few years of struggling for me to open up and be comfortable being vulnerable but the last few months, actually since getting my heart broken I’ve retreated back to my place of power and strength. The place where I am in control, the strong one, knowledgeable one and untouchable one. The place where I can’t get hurt.

It’s not a good place. It’s a destructive place. It’s a place where I become extremely competitive and aggressive. This is a place where I don’t share with others who I am. A place where I push people to do more, for them to push themselves as much as I push myself. A place where I use my keen senses to know what people are hiding and holding back to make them face it. I push, push and push everyone. The more I make people look at themselves in the mirror the more I avoid looking at my own behavior.

I become cool, calm and collected. Emotionally unavailable, all business and nothing gets to me. Everything rolls off my shoulders. I lived my life like that for years and I somehow defaulted back to it in order to protect myself.

I actually don’t know what to do about this. How am I going to allow myself to allow someone in again? How am I going to allow myself to be vulnerable again? How?

For all fairness, it wasn’t just the heartbreak. Quite a few people hurt me and betrayed my trust last year. I ran away from it and came to New Orleans. I’ve been submerged in life in ‘Nawlins’ and continued to avoid things. The last couple of weeks things have slowed down and my consciousness has had time to catch up to my subconsciousness.

I’ve made changes in my life, while at the same time I’ve fallen back into old patterns that I thought I’d overcame. We are such animals of habits.

At least one thing I do remember from my years of struggling is that this isn’t something I can deal with alone. It’s a concern I need to pray on and ask God to bring me the answers. I don’t want to be an emotionally unavailable, mechanical, ruthless and competitive being. Instead, I want to be a strong, assertive, driven, ambitious and vulnerable being.

In August of 2007, I wrote a blog post called “Who is Your Front Man”. At the time I wrote the post, I was getting really involved in the web, or rather developing a web presence, since I imagined it would eventually pay off in assisting WhyGoSolo get off the ground.

Although I was enjoying being part of various communities; I wasn’t a fan of the popularity contests, and the small, yet loud echo chamber. Then somewhere down the road, I got into “social media” – I mean, you spend enough time online and learning the technology, plus attending events that it becomes second nature to understand how the web operates, reacts, grows and can be leveraged so I wanted to talk about that too. But how relevant was that to what I was initially trying to accomplish?

What I’ve just realized is that I’m actually a big fool that let herself get derailed. I started out wanting to develop and grow a web startup around a concept I strongly believe in and ended up…well, not entirely sure where I ended up. What I do know for sure now is that I don’t need to be known as a big shot social media guru. (Don’t get me wrong – I know my shit when it comes to social media strategizing but I don’t need to prove that to anyone) I also don’t care who in the social media sphere knows me or doesn’t…I frankly don’t like most of the self-horn-tooting-fools who are now calling themselves social media experts these days.

I was wrong about that post “Who is Your Front Man” because the truth is most of the CEOs of tech startups stay under the radar until their startup gets skylined. They network and conduct business with the players that are important to the success of their startup.

I feel like a dumbass for not realizing this sooner, it took taking part of a social media maketing plan brain storming session at SXSW and Dave Shaw telling me “You should do this for a living” to make me think “No, actually I don’t want to do this for a living. I want to develop and grow a business.”

I’m not going to beat myself up about it or the time invested and lost. I also won’t rush figuring out what to do with the Yut Media site and blog, but it will be changed at some point down the road…so will my follow list on Twitter.

That’s another point about being involved in social media…it takes critical time away from the business development (particularly in my case since I need to network with venues offline). My time online needs to be dedicated to doing research and finding the specific people I need to network with.

The social media sphere brought me a lot of aggravation and frustrations, it really should have dawn on me sooner that it just wasn’t the place for me. I’m fascinated with tech and I need to look at the web with those set of eyes.

I’m going to slap myself in the forehead a few more times before going to bed and start a fresh new beginning tomorrow morning with the title Web Startup Entrepreneur; the real brand I want to develop and reach success in.

I will continue to blog here and back on the WhyGoSolo Plug-in blog…where I need to attract new members.