In the next couple of weeks, WhyGoSolo (and Tickets with a Twist) will both come offline. I’m not entirely sure when the end came…however, I do know it was before now; it just took me this long to admit it and come to terms with it.

I feel just as strongly and passionately about the concept/premise of WhyGoSolo and Tickets with a Twist as I did two years ago, but I currently don’t have the resources to pull it off; the most important resources being the money, drive and energy to revive it.  I made some attempts that all lead nowhere.

Two years ago, we were in pace with and in some respect ahead with development – now, we’re behind.  No matter what, the sites would have to come offline for a full facelift and I don’t have the developers or money for developers to revive the technology or to go mobile.

Two years ago I was in the buzz and part of creating buzz…now, I don’t really care.  I’m not done “playing” online by any stretch of the imagination, but my involvement will be different. The echo chamber got old real fast and I got hung up on things that really didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I’m coming out of the last two years with baggage: exhaustion, guilt from letting people down, knowledge of mistakes I shouldn’t have made and a mountain of debt I’m still trying to pay off. I’m also still angry at some things that happened and things that didn’t pan out.

I can’t even begin to honestly describe how shitty having to write this post about pulling the plug on a dream and vision is like.  People who don’t dream big will never know what killing a dream feels like. This is my second time doing it and it’s much worst this time. I’m thoroughly humbled and awaken compared to where I used to be.

Now that the end is here, I want to close this chapter by acknowledging and sending thanks to all the people who at some point or another got involved in WhyGoSolo, all the developers, WhyGoSolo members, bloggers, DC Tech community, Pownce crew and all others who supported me and our efforts.

Above all, I want to acknowledge and thank Darcy Laycock and Michael Busselli who both really stuck through till the end – literally till the end; they will be the ones pulling the plug and purging the databases.

I wanted success for WhyGoSolo for Darcy and Michael more than I wanted it for myself – I was not able to deliver the grand vision they joined the team to realize and that is the HARDEST part of closing the sites down.

What’s Next?!?! (Four weeks later)

I was still extremely hurt and angry at the thought and need to shut down the sites, a month ago, when I wrote the first half of this post.  I still needed more time to accept what was inevitable.  Now, I’m in a much better place. I’m finally in a place where I can take what I’ve learned and apply it to something new under Yut Media Inc.  Although,   this time I’m going to avoid fighting the uphill battles that have always kicked my ass:

1. Entering a field/area that I have no background or contacts in
2. Being heavily reliant on technology and development to get started
3. Needing investors to succeed – Success makes getting investors a much simpler process
4. Stressing myself with unrealistic expectations and pressures
5. Starting a business that I think will eventually be fun. I’m starting something that will be enjoyable and fun from day one.

I’m in a good place with my life.  I don’t remember ever being this happy or satisfied with my present and the outlooks for the future.

I’m more relaxed, balanced, in-tuned, grateful and knowledgeable/cognitive of what needs to be done to meet my dreams than ever before.  I’m not pressuring myself and I feel I have already had a huge win in my life; realizing what happiness truly is and what it means to live life.

I have a wonderful life NOW. Turns out I didn’t need to realize my dreams to have a wonderful life; it was mine to have all along.  Having a wonderful life does not take away my burning desires to realize my potential/ambitions and build an empire to call my own.  However, now I get to do it and enjoy it a lot more.

Life is a journey, it really is. Life will show you everything you need to know about yourself and the keys to happiness, inner peace and being absolutely content.

You have to grow, act and change your thinking and circumstances for life to bring you the opportunities you’re looking for.  I left DC and moved to New Orleans.  I changed the way I did many things once I arrived to New Orleans – different behaviors and actions have brought me different results and outcomes!! I’m taking that new mindset into business along with everything else I’ve learned – lets see where that will lead me.

The last time I shared my personal space with someone was back when I was stationed in 29 Palms, I was 20 years old. In the 11 years since, I’ve had a few roommates, but none that were ever in my personal place (except for The Basic School).

Yesterday I asked Aaron “how do you feel about our co-habitation?” He looked at me; a little puzzled by the question, but answered it none the less by saying “I love it.  What about you?”

I paused for just a second to smile and then said “I love it, too.”

His next comment took me a little by surprise; he asked “Do I do anything that annoys you?”

I took a longer pause before answering this question and thought about it for a few seconds. “Nope, nothing. I’m actually rather impressed by that”

After our first week together, Aaron and I have had many conversations about our habits, needs and in the process we found our rhythm. We also moved into a bigger place; we’re not in each other’s way in the kitchen anymore and we now both feel at home in our new place.

In the past, I have been extremely protective about my personal space and my independence and perhaps I was a little at first with Aaron; however, now I’m all for letting him spoil me and take care of things. It’s incredibly awesome to not have to do something because someone else has already taken care of it.

Let me say that again – it’s incredibly awesome to not have to do something because someone else has already taken care of it.  Aaron is wonderful at doing little things to make my life easier, like emptying the old coffee grinds from the coffee machine (he doesn’t drink coffee…yet, he’ll even make it for me).  He also does big things like the grocery shopping and most of the cooking (remember he has to eat every 2-3 hours so he’s always making food).

Ladies, not only does Aaron change the toilet paper roll, but he’ll take one out and put it on the counter BEFORE the other roll runs out.  The first time he did that; I just stared at the roll in awe. I came out of the bathroom and told him how much I love him.

Yesterday, I was doing more unpacking and some big boxes needed to make their way upstairs.  Normally I would have done it.  All my life I have done it…last night, Aaron, did it. I loved it. He does after all have one hell of sexy body…so it’s quite enjoyable to watch him carry heavy boxes with sweat glistening on his body.

I feel totally blessed and extremely lucky.  I love Aaron more and more each day. I remain in complete awe of him.  He is exactly the person who is the ideal match for me; for who I am and ‘my ways’. I never would have thought living with someone would be this easy and heavenly!!

Although I have talked about Aaron in my previous posts; I wanted to take the time to do some more talking about him…what can I say – he is one of my favorite topics of conversation and there are many good reasons why.

Aaron is without a doubt my other half, my soul mate. He is has driven, focused and dedicated to his passions and dreams as I am to mine. He has the smarts, wits, ambitions and enthusiasm to accomplish anything he wants. He is funny, caring, sweet, romantic, and quite open minded. He is loyal, confident and passionate. He has an amazing smile, kind heart and tough edge all wrapped into a currently 6’3”, 240 pounds gorgeous, sexy and muscular body.

I say currently when describing his body type because one of his dream is to become a professional body builder. One purpose of his trip back stateside – actually what was the main purpose until he got out of his car in New Orleans and laid his eyes on me again, was to network and grow his center of influence in the health and fitness/body building circle.

He did quite a good job at it. Prior to even arriving back stateside he was in contact with Erin Newman – Associate Editor, Weider Publication discussing his July TalkBack feature. His conversation with Erin escalated to her wanting to do more stories on him because of her interactions with him. Aaron is genuine, respectful and humble in his interactions with people.

Aaron is a big guy – a lot of people like to point that out to me; as if I hadn’t noticed…with one arm he can pretty much stroke my entire body which is quite nice and way too much info for this blog post. But, what I really want to get across is that what you might imagine him to be after looking at him in his posing trunk/under wear is a surface (almost full surface) look at a person who is extremely deep.

I’ve been misjudged many times. Most people have seen a pretty face and were later surprised by my depth…the very same is true of Aaron. Fortunately, I felt and recognized his depth when I laid eyes on him. Being his equal as allowed me to see a great deal more of him than what most people have seen. Having my equal now in my life had brought me so much relief and joy.

I not only get to be myself with Aaron but I also get to start stretching who I am again. I obviously love, respect and admire a great deal about Aaron, but above all, what gets me the most is his support, and encouragement for my own dreams and ambitions. He is 110% behind everything I want and desire. He is more than willing (and able) to be by my side so I can achieve all of them.

Women of my generation struggle quite a bit to find men who are not threaten, taken back, or turned off by the ambitious “go getters” that we are, so I know I am blessed to have found Aaron.

He gladly did the dishes, cooked dinner(s) (one meal for dinner doesn’t cut it for him), cleaned up the house, and took out the trash all last week and I have no doubt that will continue. Laying back on the couch watching TV or playing video games is as foreign to him as it is to me.

Aaron is in this relationship (soon to be marriage) to be an equal partner and to have an equal partner. He wants to be part of my dreams and make me part of his…granted being part of his dreams involves posing in a bathing suit for the world to see – nothing like a little added pressure.

You can find Aaron all over the web on various social networks because he jumped right in to learn the things I do and know about. He’s a quick learner too. We have different interests and many of the same. We have no problems learning from each other and teaching one another.

We want and desire the same things…things that most people in this world fear to desire. We’ve both been tested by more than what an average person can handle and no matter what happened to us; we decided it was better to have a positive outlook than a negative one. We both have faith, an open mind and strong beliefs in life being all that we want it to be.

Aaron is who I ask for from God to come into my life. I waited a long time for him and we both traveled our own journeys in our lives to be at the point where we are now ready to be together. Aaron made some extraordinary leaps in the last three weeks that have blown me away and have left me in awe of him. I love the fact that I’m in awe of him.

If you are out there looking for love – don’t give up on it. Be clear on who you are and what you are looking for. I won’t do so in this blog post, but I can trace every step of the way that has lead me to Aaron. All the changes, self-realizations, self-acceptance, and wake up calls I needed to get to who I am now, the person ready for a new chapter and growth spurt(s) professionally and personally to be lived with Aaron.

Last weekend was the most amazing weekend of my life but before we get into that lets back up a little. On December 12, 2008 in the blog post 21 Days Till I Know, I introduced Aaron to you and how I felt when I first met him. Than on January 9th, I wrote about my Heart Break. I didn’t write about Aaron after that but the trust is, it wasn’t over.

It took me a couple of weeks to get over the sting of what happened January 3rd/4th but I was seriously still bothered by it. I fell in love with Aaron the moment I saw him and my gut told me he was the one for me. How could my gut have been so wrong? That question started haunting me. The more I asked the question – the more my gut yelled out at me that I hadn’t been wrong.

I reached back out to Aaron in February sometime and we embarked on a friendship. We found a new freedom to be ourselves and for me to help him through our friendship. He started to let me in. The entire time I was clear with him that I still wanted a relationship with him and he was clear with me that he still wasn’t ready for a relationship.

In April I was starting to drive myself crazy going back and forth with my needs to have more from him; with my needs for him to open up more to me. We had one conversation where he angered me so much that I unleashed a lot of what I wanted to say to him. He quickly snapped back and started opening up. Around that same time he let me know that he was coming to New Orleans and bringing his mom with him.

When he arrived to NOLA on May 15th at 1240am, got of the car and gave me a hug; I saw a spark and smile in his eyes that I had expected to see back in January. I played it real cool (of course).

We got closer and closer throughout the weekend. He left New Orleans with the knowledge that we do belong together. I was blissfully happy after he left but I was clueless about how much he had finally realized. It didn’t take long though for me to find out because Aaron opened up to me and began sharing his feeling for me and with me.

I drove to Daytona Beach for Memorial weekend to be with him again…and that is when I got to experience the most amazing weekend of my life. Being with Aaron is one of the most natural, comforting, pleasant, exciting and fun time.

I grew to learn and took the time to discover exactly what I wanted in a man and specifically what I wanted my relationship to be like – being with Aaron is all of that and more. We laughed so much, opened up to each other, laughed some more, and explored who each of us is and who we are together. I also felt right at home with his family. Everything about us is completely natural. It flows perfectly.

The man I knew Aaron was when I laid eyes on him – is exactly the man he is plus more. He’s amazing, fabulous, sweet, caring, funny, genuine, intelligent, modest, easy going, intense, driven, ambitious, and passionate. He’s my equal, he holds the ability to push me, motivate me, and inspire me. Actually, he already does all of that; we do that for each other. I truly admire him. He has the capacity to achieve anything he sets his mind to do and there is much he wants to do accomplish.

He makes me feel like the luckiest, most beautiful, sexiest, cherished and appreciated woman alive. He gives me all the precious gifts of love, admiration and care I have been aching for and wanting while not undermining the strong, independent will I possess. He is not threatened by me at all. Our integrations are effortless – by that I mean the fact that we both have strong, alpha personalities – our personalities melt together and we float across the dance floor completely in step.

He sent me an email earlier this week after reading the post I wrote April 5th – Consciousness Catching up to My Unconsciousness.

What I mentioned before when we chatted this morning, it had to do with an article you wrote, “Consciousness Catching up to the Unconsciousness”. I know I’ve apologized already for what I did but I’ve felt the need to tell you again. It hurts me to know I made you feel that way. To know I did that to my soulmate, my love, my best friend – you deserve to hear another true, sincere apology.

Having you in my life now is so refreshing and exciting. You make me want to open up and find my true self, the one’s who’s been hiding for years. The best part about it all, as I do this you’ll be right there by my side seeing me experience these new things.

You are such an amazing woman and such a huge part of my life. I hope you were able to see that in my eyes and in my heart this past weekend…just how much I love you.

I love you babe, with all my heart.
Aaron

He is on his way back to New Orleans to be with me again this weekend. We went from saying our goodbyes last weekend, to finding a way to spend at least one last night together, to him coming to spend another few days with me. You could say that we don’t want to be apart from each other!!

I’ve been on cloud nine for the last three weeks. I am his, and he is mine. We’re waiting for him to get a job offer in New Orleans at which point he’ll move here with me and we’ll move in together.

Some folks have asked “Isn’t it moving kinda fast between you two?” I reply, if by kinda fast you mean my falling in love with him within the first ten minutes of knowing him than Yes, but if you mean him moving here to be with me – definitely not; I’ve been waiting over a year for that!!!

What did I come up with?? I came up with what I’m calling The 31 Dresses Experiment.

Here is the mindset going into this experiment.

I have never cared much for fashion and it’s been years since I have updated/upgraded my summer wardrobe – It wouldn’t hurt to put some effort into it.

I hate, hate, hate shopping – wonder if I can change that.

I don’t like having my picture taken and I’m bad at taking pictures – wonder if I can change that too.

When I got out of the Marine Corps in 2005 I weight about 135 – three years later I was tipping the scale at above 155. I’m 142 now and by the end of this experiment; I want to be back to 135. The pictures taken of me in the dresses will be a good way to track my progress.

I want to get back to being open online and to sharing – I need something fun and interesting to talk about. I want a reason to take pictures, blog, tweet, do videos etc. It’s easy to not care about the technology when you have no reason to leverage it.

I want to write. The ability to write is a perishable skill if not practiced.

I want to preoccupy my mind and see what comes of it. I’m looking for a lot of answers and direct thinking on problems doesn’t yield solutions for me.

Besides wanting to preoccupy my mind – I want to capture the way my mind thinks. The Bus of Opportunity concept is about sharing the entrepreneurial mindset and developing the entrepreneurial mindset. I want to show how an experiment like this will likely generate 4-6 business ideas for me.

I have a lot more energy and desire to be out and about since moving to New Orleans and I’d like to have…I don’t know…somewhat of a purpose, mission, twist, or “something” to it.

The Components of The 31 Dresses Experiment

In the next couple of months the goal is to buy, borrow, and/or acquire in some way 31 dresses which will be worn to 31 different locations. I will take pictures and blog about each dress and location.

I’ll talk about things like the buying experience; the cost, reason for buying, the way the dress makes me feel and so on. Next, I’ll get into the location where I wear the dress to…the people I meet, background on the location and interaction. Each dress will have a story with pictures. If I can get Qik to work on my BB – I’ll add videos too.

I don’t know if I’ll make it to 31 dresses…hopefully this is something that I will see from start to finish. I”ll probably  add a dress fund donation application on the sidebar at some point. As you can imagine, if I end up buying 31 dresses it will get a little expensive. If you start following this experiment and find it interesting than perhaps you’ll be inclined to help me get the next dress.

I’ll be wearing my first dress out tonight when I go to the House of Blues for the first time with my neighbor Wendy. It’s a dress that’s been in my closet for a couple of years.

]]> http://www.annbernard.net/2009/05/09/the-31-dresses-experiment/feed/ 0 http://www.annbernard.net/2009/04/17/setting-personal-physical-goals/ http://www.annbernard.net/2009/04/17/setting-personal-physical-goals/#comments Fri, 17 Apr 2009 00:11:00 +0000 admin http://www.annbernard.net/?p=225 The initial move to New Orleans was a big whirlwind….I did after all get to New Orleans just in time for Mardi Gras. The first few weeks were all about getting settled in, adventuring out to get to know my new city, making friends, learning my new job and fully enjoying myself. The whole time this was happening, I kept telling myself that once I was settled in…I would get back to business. Getting settled in was followed by going to SXSW. For sure, going to SXSW was going to get me back into the groove. It sorta kinda did…and not really.

As much as I’m frustrated and bothered by my current stalemate state, nothing I’m doing is getting me out of it. At the same time, I need SOMETHING to focus on because now that I’m settled in…I’m getting antsy and bored. I work from 7:30am to 4:30pm, by 5pm I’m home. I have a good 4-5 hours a night that needs to be put to good use. I have no kids, no significant other…no other responsibilities than myself. (I know that for some it’s a completely foreign concept to have that much time to yourself)

Having a lot of time to yourself is a blessing and a curse. It gives you time to think about entirely too much stuff; to include what’s missing in your life, your short comings, areas of improvement, and the big one – The Meaning of Life.

Options Of How to Spend My Time

Finding Mr. Right – Failed

I’ll admit that I joined Match.com about a week after getting to New Orleans. I figured it would be a good way to 1) meet new people and 2) potentially find Mr. Right. It turned out to be quite a waste of money and a source of frustration. Just because I have time to spare…doesn’t mean that I want to waste it. Online dating in my opinion is a huge waste of time, hence why I started WhyGoSolo in the first place. Anyway, after a few weeks of it I’ve basically given up on it.

Going Back School – Good in Theory

I really, really, really ought to look into taking some college courses. I received a Meritorious Commission in the Marine Corps…basically what that means is that I still don’t have my undergraduate degree. I have the G.I. Bill so I should put it to good use and take some classes. I haven’t committed to doing that because I believe that once I get back into the business groove being in school will get in the way and be the first thing I stop doing; therefore, why start something I know I will quit?

Volunteering – Yes, I Can

I volunteered once at the New Orleans Mission and unfortunately that left me with a bad feeling of the place. Too long a story to get into. Since one of the Marines in my office has started volunteering there regularly; I’m going to go ahead and give it another try.

I have taken the mentor course for Each One Save One and I’m waiting to hear back from them and be appointed a mentee to work with…the school year will be ending soon so I hope they get back with me before it does.

Reading and Writing – Simply Not Happening

Two of my favorite things to do are reading and writing. I want to publish a book. So why not start writing?? Same reason I can’t get back into the business – I just can’t seem to do it.

Losing Weight & Training for Triathlons and Adventure Racing – Yes, I am

When my mind doesn’t want to be pushed…I always have my body I can push. It’s exactly what I’ve taken to doing. When I’m in a rut, it seems that physically challenging myself is my only saving grace.

It boiled down to either focusing on finally doing a bodybuilding competition or training to race. Since I love training but I hate dieting – I decided that doing some races makes more sense.

I did the 10K Crescent City Classic last Saturday and I’m signed up for the 5K Run Forrest Run April 26^th and I have to take the Marine Corps physical fitness test (PFT) May 12^th. By May 12^th my goal is to have lost 5 pounds and run 7:45 minute miles (for 3 miles).

I signed up on the Gulf Coast Adventure website to find some teammates and it looks like a team has found me – meaning I’ll do my first adventure race in July in Baton Rouge. Next, I’m going to sign-up for the CajunMan Triathlon (Sprint) happening in September when the registration opens…I’ll be keeping myself busy and healthy.

My immediate goal is to improve my run time and ensure I lose at least 1 pound a week to be 140 by May 12^th.

Boredom is Setting In – Shift Will Happen

I can’t stay bored for long and I will soon need more than just pushing my physical limits…when I do, my brain will kick back in. At some point, I will learn to balance it all.

I had planned on starting 2009 in a relationship. As you know from past posts, that didn’t happen and although I moved on; I’ve discovered it’s been weighing on my subconscious quite a bit. Since I haven’t been willing to deal with it in a wakeful state; it started hunting my dreams. For the most part, I also avoided dealing with my dreams until one of the dream/nightmare had a face to it…the face of the man who broke my heart.

I’m a strong, intelligent, and confident woman. I understand people more than I should and I have a distinct ability to get people to open up to me which allows me to know their vulnerabilities. I uncover things about people but very rarely show my vulnerabilities. I quickly become a confidante, supporter and “cheerleader” for people…especially men.

It took a few years of struggling for me to open up and be comfortable being vulnerable but the last few months, actually since getting my heart broken I’ve retreated back to my place of power and strength. The place where I am in control, the strong one, knowledgeable one and untouchable one. The place where I can’t get hurt.

It’s not a good place. It’s a destructive place. It’s a place where I become extremely competitive and aggressive. This is a place where I don’t share with others who I am. A place where I push people to do more, for them to push themselves as much as I push myself. A place where I use my keen senses to know what people are hiding and holding back to make them face it. I push, push and push everyone. The more I make people look at themselves in the mirror the more I avoid looking at my own behavior.

I become cool, calm and collected. Emotionally unavailable, all business and nothing gets to me. Everything rolls off my shoulders. I lived my life like that for years and I somehow defaulted back to it in order to protect myself.

I actually don’t know what to do about this. How am I going to allow myself to allow someone in again? How am I going to allow myself to be vulnerable again? How?

For all fairness, it wasn’t just the heartbreak. Quite a few people hurt me and betrayed my trust last year. I ran away from it and came to New Orleans. I’ve been submerged in life in ‘Nawlins’ and continued to avoid things. The last couple of weeks things have slowed down and my consciousness has had time to catch up to my subconsciousness.

I’ve made changes in my life, while at the same time I’ve fallen back into old patterns that I thought I’d overcame. We are such animals of habits.

At least one thing I do remember from my years of struggling is that this isn’t something I can deal with alone. It’s a concern I need to pray on and ask God to bring me the answers. I don’t want to be an emotionally unavailable, mechanical, ruthless and competitive being. Instead, I want to be a strong, assertive, driven, ambitious and vulnerable being.

The highlight thus far is the amazing condo I found in the French Quarter.  I decided when I took the orders to come here that I would most likely live in the French Quarter and wanted a place with a patio.  When I walked into this condo, I knew I was home. It’s a one bedroom, 2 baths, fully furnished condo…like I mentioned, it’s got a patio, washer and dryer, and a huge Jacuzzi bathtub in the master bathroom.  The bedroom is a loft type master bedroom up the stairs.  It’s not like any place I’ve ever lived before, but exactly like a place I always want to live in.  I’ll upload videos and pictures of the place once I get the internet connected.

I’ve never lived in a posh way…never lived in a; I’m single, beautiful, young, successful, sexy and on top of the world way.  I want the rest of my life to be like this (except perhaps for the single part) so it’s high time to start living it.  Being here affords me the opportunity to do that and honestly, if you’re going to spend six months in New Orleans…you got to make it worthwhile.

It hit me a few months ago how conservative my life has been.  My ambitions, dreams and desires are filled with expensive, luxurious, eccentric, fast paced and good time type of feelings and essences, but I haven’t been living along those lines at all.  I’ve been playing the when game…when this happens, when I have this, when, when, when is when I’ll do a, b, c and d.  No more. The Now is When.

I moved in to my new place on Saturday.  It was a warm sunny day.  Once I was moved in, I sat on my patio to bask in the sun…people walked on by and we exchanged greetings.  I’m going to learn how to make homemade lemonade so I can sit out with my laptop, a fresh glass to lemonade or ice tea and write the business plan that will make me millions.

Saturday evening, a few friends came over with wine, food, a king’s cake and house warming gifts.  We ate, they expressed their envy for my wonderful pad and we enjoyed a wonderful evening.

The pitfall of my fabulous condo in the French Quarter is not having a designated parking space.  I already earned myself a parking ticket on Sunday for being less than 4 ft from the intersection.  I’m planning on getting a bike since I live only a couple of miles from where I work, and obviously being in the French Quarter, I’m in walking distance to anything I might need.  The additional exercise will do me good since there is so much delicious food to be had in New Orleans. 

Speaking of exercise…I did a workout at the New Orleans Athletic Club this past weekend.  Talk about non-traditional.  I’ve been in many gyms, but none like this one.  I’m rather particular about my workouts and the gyms that I like.  I have to admit I like large and modern gyms which NOAC is not.  Well, alright, NOAC is large but it’s antique.  It seems great for cardio – not so much for weight training.  I have a few more visits on my visitor’s pass; I’ll check it out a few more times before I decide.  Part of the journey of being here is to have new experiences; perhaps I can vary my gym experience as well. 

Tomorrow my internet is getting turned on and I go back to work.  Next blog post: “Getting Back Into My Entrepreneurial Endeavors”

At any rate…I know a few people are wondering what’s been happening and how I ended up heart broken.  You might recall my blog post 21 Days Till I Know – it was about a man I met and was extremely excited to see again.  A man, I have to admit, I fell madly in love with.

I left DC on Tuesday, December 30^th and due to a fatal accident that held me up in South Carolina, I didn’t arrive to my destination at my friend’s house until New Year’s Eve.  It’s also when I found out that Aaron was held up in Iraq and he didn’t know when he would arrive to Florida.  I still managed to keep my spirits high and enjoyed New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day with friends and family.

The wait was finally over on January 3^rd. However, on Janaury 4^th I left Daytona (where we met up) in tears to make my way to New Orleans.

The man I fell in love with, the man I was so excited to see and the man I wanted to have a future with is NOT the man that arrived in Daytona.  Physically it was the same man, but emotionally, intellectually and in every other way, it wasn’t. 

Most people will never experience or realize this but people who spend extended amount of time in Iraq (or Afghanistan or any other extremely high stress environment) aren’t always quite there when they come back.  He was so distant, unemotional, preoccupied, quiet, and distracted that I felt out of place, awkward, unsettled and on edge almost the entire time.  There was nothing I could say or do to change things.

I met my ex in Iraq and after we both left, he decided to go back.  Every time we met up on his breaks he was more distant, short tempered, aggressive and a stranger.  He wouldn’t leave Iraq so I left him. 

I probably should have known better this time around to even get involved with someone in Iraq but I didn’t.  However, I do know better this time than to stick around and keep wishing for something that might never be. 

After I got out of the Marine Corps and hit some serious lows in my business ventures I was a mess emotionally and mentally.  I was definitely not in a place where I could share myself with someone else and be in a relationship.  I was in what I call “the pits of hell”…I think he’s there now and he’ll be there for who knows how long after he gets back to a stable environment.  I know what he’s going through and I can’t add expectations on him.

Self awareness doesn’t completely ease the pain of what happened, but it certainly puts it into perspective and allows me to accept things for what they are.  My heart desperately wanted it to turn out differently, but I’m too aware to fool myself. 

I’m also too confident in who I am (with healthy self-esteem) to sell myself short and settle for a relationship that doesn’t offer me everything I am seeking and deserving.

I’m ready and aching for an equally loving, passionate, exciting and mutually supportive relationship.  I’m ready to conquer the world with someone by my side and have lots of fun doing it.  I want someone who will put me on a pedestal because that’s exactly where I will place him.  I deserve to be loved, cherished, appreciated and a little worshipped

Life offers us multiple opportunities to learn, break our patterns and move on to bigger and better things.  I feel good that I have broken an old pattern of wanting to fix and rescue someone I can’t assist.  I feel good I value my worth and faced reality, therefore, the pain, rather than fooled myself.  Above all, I’m glad I fell in love.  I’m grateful for the realization I am now ready to be in a healthy relationship without being afraid. 

I didn’t hold back nor was I fearful of love for the first time in my life.  I felt completely different about entering this relationship…I thought it was because of him, but I now realize it’s because I have changed.  Yes, I got hurt, but you know what?  It was worth it. 

I got hurt because of what I fantasized, imagined and created in my mind and in my heart.  I got crushed by the possibilities and expectations.  I got burned by the gamble but I am proud that I went for it and put all of my chips in.  I’m proud that I LIVED in the moment and I got some splendid moments out of it.  He brought me tremendous happiness, albeit for only a short while.

I can’t and won’t regret embracing life and taking chances.  I’m going to go with the flow and see what life has in store for me next when it comes to love.  I’m in no rush…I am after all in a new city and living a new exciting part of my life!!  More to come about my first week in New Orleans and the awesome condo I’ll be living in in the French Quarter.

Last Saturday I went to a Christmas party and ran into some people I knew and hadn’t seen in a while…I got to know one of those individual a little better.

Married for three years, divorced for 17 years but celebrating a 20^th Anniversary in a few weeks with the same woman he married and divorced. A few times a year they get together to include a yearly vacation. He has been doing this for 20 years.

He loves and adores children…she doesn’t and never did. He spent 20 years torn between the woman he loves and his desires to have a big family. He settled on being a wonderful “uncle” and godfather to the children of his closest friends, while maintaining a scary version of a relationship with a woman who would never make him completely happy.

He was well intoxicated by the time he shared all of this information. Perhaps he remembers and perhaps he doesn’t remember what I had to say….and perhaps I was out of line butting in.

I told him he had two options – say his good-byes to the woman who would never fulfill him or say good-bye to his dreams of being a father. Right now he’s living an incomplete existence that’s patched and torn between the things his heart desires. There is no peace or contentment to be had this way.

He dreams of another woman walking into his life that he will love and who will want children. Yet, he keeps hanging on to another woman. Life does not work that way. You aren’t going to get what you want in order to feel secure about letting go of what you have. You must first let go of what you have, so what you want, has the room to enter your life.

MAKE THE HARD DECISIONS!

Life is a journey designed to make us grow, learn and evolve. Don’t live – be ALIVE. It will be painful, it will hurt, it will test you and it will be tough. It will also be amazing, wonderful, miraculous and enlightening.

The path is easy to find, although difficult to follow. The path starts with making the hard decisions that await you. You have to let go of what’s “comforting” but not fulfilling. You’ll feel bare, scared and in a place of unknowns however, overtime the things you really want will manifest.

Life will not fulfill your heart’s wishes without you taking some risks and chances. You keep hanging on to your security blankets and you’ll never, ever get what you desire the most. NEVER.