The Heart Break
Posted on January 9, 2009
Filed Under Life | 2 Comments
I haven’t written in a while although I have been tweeting sporadically. Turns out the Marine Corps has caught on to Twitter; I was able to tweet while I was at Quantico however, I’m unable to tweet via web from where I am now.
At any rate…I know a few people are wondering what’s been happening and how I ended up heart broken. You might recall my blog post 21 Days Till I Know – it was about a man I met and was extremely excited to see again. A man, I have to admit, I fell madly in love with.
I left DC on Tuesday, December 30th and due to a fatal accident that held me up in South Carolina, I didn’t arrive to my destination at my friend’s house until New Year’s Eve. It’s also when I found out that Aaron was held up in Iraq and he didn’t know when he would arrive to Florida. I still managed to keep my spirits high and enjoyed New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day with friends and family.
The wait was finally over on January 3rd. However, on Janaury 4th I left Daytona (where we met up) in tears to make my way to New Orleans.
The man I fell in love with, the man I was so excited to see and the man I wanted to have a future with is NOT the man that arrived in Daytona. Physically it was the same man, but emotionally, intellectually and in every other way, it wasn’t.
Most people will never experience or realize this but people who spend extended amount of time in Iraq (or Afghanistan or any other extremely high stress environment) aren’t always quite there when they come back. He was so distant, unemotional, preoccupied, quiet, and distracted that I felt out of place, awkward, unsettled and on edge almost the entire time. There was nothing I could say or do to change things.
I met my ex in Iraq and after we both left, he decided to go back. Every time we met up on his breaks he was more distant, short tempered, aggressive and a stranger. He wouldn’t leave Iraq so I left him.
I probably should have known better this time around to even get involved with someone in Iraq but I didn’t. However, I do know better this time than to stick around and keep wishing for something that might never be.
After I got out of the Marine Corps and hit some serious lows in my business ventures I was a mess emotionally and mentally. I was definitely not in a place where I could share myself with someone else and be in a relationship. I was in what I call “the pits of hell”…I think he’s there now and he’ll be there for who knows how long after he gets back to a stable environment. I know what he’s going through and I can’t add expectations on him.
Self awareness doesn’t completely ease the pain of what happened, but it certainly puts it into perspective and allows me to accept things for what they are. My heart desperately wanted it to turn out differently, but I’m too aware to fool myself.
I’m also too confident in who I am (with healthy self-esteem) to sell myself short and settle for a relationship that doesn’t offer me everything I am seeking and deserving.
I’m ready and aching for an equally loving, passionate, exciting and mutually supportive relationship. I’m ready to conquer the world with someone by my side and have lots of fun doing it. I want someone who will put me on a pedestal because that’s exactly where I will place him. I deserve to be loved, cherished, appreciated and a little worshipped 
Life offers us multiple opportunities to learn, break our patterns and move on to bigger and better things. I feel good that I have broken an old pattern of wanting to fix and rescue someone I can’t assist. I feel good I value my worth and faced reality, therefore, the pain, rather than fooled myself. Above all, I’m glad I fell in love. I’m grateful for the realization I am now ready to be in a healthy relationship without being afraid.
I didn’t hold back nor was I fearful of love for the first time in my life. I felt completely different about entering this relationship…I thought it was because of him, but I now realize it’s because I have changed. Yes, I got hurt, but you know what? It was worth it.
I got hurt because of what I fantasized, imagined and created in my mind and in my heart. I got crushed by the possibilities and expectations. I got burned by the gamble but I am proud that I went for it and put all of my chips in. I’m proud that I LIVED in the moment and I got some splendid moments out of it. He brought me tremendous happiness, albeit for only a short while.
I can’t and won’t regret embracing life and taking chances. I’m going to go with the flow and see what life has in store for me next when it comes to love. I’m in no rush…I am after all in a new city and living a new exciting part of my life!! More to come about my first week in New Orleans and the awesome condo I’ll be living in in the French Quarter.
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Very personal post. I enjoy reading it. You surely will be missed in DC and Happy New Yr.
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